Friday, March 30, 2012

Viking swims out as tilapia steps up


You know what people don’t like? Vikings. They’re antiquated, smelly, barbaric, break furniture at social gatherings, and worst of all, they’ve entirely deteriorated to skeletons by now. Being represented by such a horrid thing is simply a disgrace. I can’t say “I’m a Ripley Viking!” with any sense of pride, because then I have to fear someone will hide any unstable furnishings, douse me with Febreeze, and ask me to go back to my burial grounds before the other guests arrive. The administration of our school tends to agree with me, and as such, Ripley High School (and our elementary/middle branches) will change its mascot from a Viking to a Tilapia.

You know what people like about Tilapia? Everything. They’re cool, swim well, like water, aren’t extinct, go great with fries, and are the 5th most important fish in farming, just like us. Tilapias are just marvelous, exemplary beings to represent us. Opposing sports teams will swim back upstream once they hear the Ripley High Tilapia (it even rolls off the tongue well!) are swimming out from the estuary. Just like a school of fish, our school sporting teams will confuse prey and then swim quickly in the opposite direction to avoid being eaten.

It would all make a great conversation piece as well, because there are no other high schools represented by Tilapia, and that’s a fact. I really can’t think of any reason not to have a Tilapia as a school mascot. Just think of the nickname possibilities. Tilly the Tilapia, Tilessius the Tilapia, Jacque the Tilapia. It just can’t fail no matter which name we go with. After a name has been selected, Ripley High School will enlist local stores to produce a range of products that feature our Tilapia. Shirts, pants, fingerless gloves, shoes, plush dolls, swimming trunks, fishing rods, and for the initiated, an aquarium set that comes with a Tilapia. The aquarium set comes on a rolling cart if you choose to bring your Tilapia to school sporting events, and comes with a free foam finger fin for your little aquatic buddy (that proudly declares “We’re #1! [On the menu!]”). I’m sure your gills are quivering with excitement, but don’t forget to fully flex those gills and breathe fellow Tilapias!

2 comments:

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  2. The third dog in this post, Buddy, makes me feel nostalgic. You may or may not know this, but I used to have a dog named Buddy as well. I grew up with Buddy, my family's yellow lab, starting when I was in middle school. He died just this past January after spending twelve years with our family. I know Buddy is a really common name for a dog, but it still made me feel a connection!
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