Monday, November 6, 2017

Letting Go

By: Christina Morales

Moonlight, sand, relaxation. So why can`t I let go?  I`m trapped in the memory of her, like a tiger in a cage. I remember that night like it was yesterday, and maybe it was. I don`t know. I`ve stopped listening, stopped seeing, stopped feeling. "Drive safe sis," I remember telling her. 'Drive safe'. I should have done something else, should have made her stay...but I didn`t. I remember the hustle of the nurses in the waiting room, remember my tears.

 I haven`t stopped crying. Her smile. That’s what I miss the most. When she smiled and showed her white teeth. I find myself missing the oddest things. Her hair, her hair was long and coffee colored. I used to play with it. I even learned how to French braid for her. She was always happy, always up for trouble. I loved that about her; she never backed down. When she made up her mind there was no changing it.  

"Bubby!" She used to call when we were younger. "Bubby come play with me!" I never did though. I thought it was embarrassing. Toying with my little sister, I wanted to do guy things like play football or something. I didn't want anyone to know I actually cared. That seeing my sisters disappointed face killed me, but I didn’t do anything. 

I don`t want to let her go. I think that’s my problem. I blame myself, it should have been me in that car. I should have died, not her, not my baby. I feel tears well up in my blue eyes. That’s another thing, we have...had the same exact eyes. The little brat. She left me here and she left pieces about herself everywhere. She`d want me to let go. She`d hate that I haven`t. 

''Let go you big baby,'' she`d tell me. Let go... I want my sister back! Nothings ever going to be the same without her.  I see her everywhere! In the shopping windows, in the street art that's on this beach. Everywhere I look she`s right there looking back at me. She couldn`t draw. Heck! She couldn’t even draw a curved circle. 

Crash! The waves on the beach snaps me out of thought and I remember why I`m here. Letting go her ashes will be hard. Maybe even harder that losing her. I get up and stagger until the cool water flirts with my toes. The wind gushes against my short blond hair. She knows I`m here, she known what I`m about to do; I can feel it. She didn’t want to be in a crate. I remember her implying that as clear as I commemorate the rest of her. I have to lecture myself into twisting the lid. Deep breaths Nic, deep breaths. I twist the smooth surface and tilt the vase.  

I`ll always remember you. You’re my sister and I love you. I hope you know that, I hope you see. I want you to be happy, that’s all I ask. The moon shines on a wave casting my body in an azure shadow. She`s elated. I can feel it. Nothing will make this paralyzing feeling go away, but eventually I hope it does. Anna wouldn’t want me to hurt. She`d want me to be happy and let go, so that’s what I do. I walk away from the sea with a lone tear rolling down my face. I did the right thing...I let her go.


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